Serena Spins
by Between The Clouds
Summary: Serena is self-destructive. How does she cope when things spin out of control? She goes into a downward spiral, of course.


Serena Spins

Serena is a free spirit. A wild child. A party girl. You can try to keep her caged, but eventually she'll break free. When she breaks free, she'll spin and spin. Yes, she'll laugh, twirl, and dance, but she'll never stop spinning. This is who Serena is.

_Spin, spin, twist, spin, spin, spin, twirl, spin, spin, whirl, spin, spin, spin._

Rum, vodka, and gin are Serena's favourites, but she enjoys whiskey and wine as well. She can't go a day without them. These days she gets high on parties and excitement. Endless nights full of alcohol, drunk and horny men, miscellaneous illegal drugs, and shocking scandals are a regular occurrence. Everything meant to fill you up so you don't feel the emptiness inside.

It's a lot more acceptable to be an out of control party girl at sixteen than at twenty-one. Then again, when did Serena ever care about what's acceptable? She was a party girl at sixteen and she's a party girl again at twenty-one. She'll probably be a party girl until she dies. It doesn't matter, anyway.

Serena has had a long, troubled history with boys. For years, nameless boys have rumpled her bed-sheets and left without so much as a goodbye. Then, one day, she met a boy she liked very much. She knew his name and she never forgot it. His name was Dan. Serena and Dan loved each other very much, but they broke up. After that, Serena met other boys that she liked. For a while, the boys in Serena's life had names.

Dan, Aaron, Dan, Gabriel, Carter, Tripp, Nate, Dan, Colin, Dan, Ben, _Dan_.

Serena became a party girl again sometime after that, and the boys became nameless again. Sometimes she gives them names, but it's always the same name.

Sometimes when Serena fucks nameless guys, she calls them "Dan". _Dan_. She tells herself it's only because of nostalgia, not because she still has feelings for him. That's impossible. This Serena doesn't have feelings.

_Spin, spin, spin, sing, spin, spin, laugh, spin, spin, spin, cry, spin, spin, spin._

Over time, Serena has done a few kinds of drugs. Ecstasy, LSD, marijuana, and random prescription pills, to name them. She still hasn't tried cocaine, though. Maybe it's because she still remembers Pete's death. Maybe it's because of he "White Christmas" when she was eleven. Maybe it's because she thinks of Georgina every time she sees a bag of coke. She doesn't know why. Chuck says it's perfectly safe, but Serena doesn't believe him.

Cocaine is supposed to make you feel free, but cocaine doesn't make Serena feel free. It traps her with all of her bad memories. It suffocates her, and she hasn't even tried it. Maybe she will try it someday, but she doesn't really believe that.

Serena hates crying. She hates it so much that she grabs a bottle of rum every time she feels lonely or sad. She's used to drowning her problems with alcohol. It makes her forget, at least for a little while.

On lonely nights, it makes Serena think of how she lost her virginity. It was in the ninth grade. The boy was older; more experienced. It was just another hazy, alcohol filled night. Serena only remembers I because it was her first time. She even remembers the boy's name. He wasn't gentle, and he didn't even pretend to care about her. It didn't hurt, though. Alcohol is known to numb all pain.

_Spin, spin, touch, spin, spin, spin, feel, spin, spin, spin, kiss, spin, spin, spin._

Dan left New York to finish university in Canada. Serena gave him a winter hat with flaps as a going-away present. He laughed and told her he was moving to Ontario, not the Yukon. He said he would need it in a few months and thanked her with a kiss on the cheek. Dan said he would keep in touch. Dan's a liar. Every two months, Serena gets a quick email, but Dan never calls or texts. She misses Dan, but it's a secret. Shhhh. Don't tell anybody.

Blair also left New York. She went to live in France with her father and his boyfriend, Roman. Blair is also in France because she decided to continue dating Prince Louis. Blair was engaged to Louis for a little while, but she thought it was too soon. They're still together, to Serena's knowledge. Serena wouldn't know. Before Blair left for France, the two best friends got into a huge fight. It was similar to the time Blair tried to leave for France four years ago, except this time it didn't have a happy ending. They still haven't made up. Serena still thinks Blair is delusional and Blair still thinks Serena is self-centered. Really, they're both just too stubborn to admit they need each other. _Blair, you don't love him. You don't. You're still in love with __**him**__. Please don't leave for France with Louis. Please don't leave me!_

Nate is taking a year off of university. He's going sailing to figure things out. Sometimes Serena thinks that Nate will _never_ figure things out. Nate writes postcards once in a while. Each postcard is from a different country. He never writes much on them. Mostly they say something like, "Hey, how are you doing? I'm having a lot of fun. I miss you. Nate." Nate never was much of a conversationalist. She keeps every single one of his postcards on the wall in her room. He promises that he'll bring home souvenirs and presents when he comes back. Serena has presents for Nate as well. She wishes Nate will come home soon.

Eric left for Europe. He wants to go to university in Europe for a while. He visits sometimes, but it's not the same. Serena wonders if Eric remembers how he felt when she left for boarding school five years ago. If he remembers that he felt alone, so alone… Just like Serena feels now.

Lily and Rufus are still Lily and Rufus. Serena knows they're disappointed in her. As if Serena is trying to sabotage their reputation by ripping her own to shreds. She wonders if they can see her past her outer shell. She wonders if they even bother to look anymore. Serena doesn't want to hear what a disgrace she is to them. Lily tried, but she never really got past the perfect image she likes to display to the public. A perfect image does not include an uncontrollable party girl for a daughter. They can't stand to see her grades in Columbia plummet, and they decided to turn the other cheek. They gave up on her a long time ago. It's so hard to see yourself as worthy when the people closest to you can't even find a single redeeming quality.

_Spin, spin, spin, dance, spin, spin, jump, spin, spin, spin, run, spin, spin, spin._

Chuck's still here. He's the only thing that keeps her from sinking these days. He's lonely too. They're just two broken souls bound together by their mutual losses and heartbreak. Serena thinks she would have died a long time ago if it wasn't for Chuck. Hell, Chuck would have probably been dead too. Chuck and Serena are two very self-destructive people. It shouldn't work out, but somehow it does. Two lonely people don't have to be quite so lonely anymore if they're together. It will never be right, but it's not exactly wrong either.

There is a widespread belief that Serena van der Woodsen gets away with everything. No matter how many mistakes she makes, she is always forgiven. This isn't true. The truth is, it's the Dans and Nates and (sometimes) Blairs of the world who can get away unscathed. They have to pay a little for their mistakes, sure, but the next day it's all forgiven and forgotten. This is because they are the "good guys" of the world. At the end of the day, they are still painted as good people who made a few mistakes. It's different for the Serenas and Chucks of the world. They make a lot of mistakes, but these mistakes are never truly forgotten. For them, the slate is never wiped completely clean. When they fuck up, they are given labels that stick forever. They are the "bad guys" of the world. They aren't considered as clean or pure as the good guys of the world. It's not fair, but it's the way it's always been and the way it will always be.

One day, Chuck and Serena were at The Empire in Chuck's suite. They were feeling especially lonely that day, and they had a little too much to drink. They didn't even stop to kiss before Serena was working on Chuck's shirt buttons. Through their drunken haze, they just didn't give a fuck. Both of them had an impossible, naïve hope that Blair and Dan would walk in on them, because they are selfish and wrong and want to hurt the people who hurt them.

When Serena had unbuttoned Chuck's shirt, she suddenly collapsed onto him and laughed. Chuck laughed too. They both laughed so hard they couldn't breathe and almost cried. It was just so ridiculous. From a young age, Chuck and Serena had taken it upon themselves to deflower the innocent souls of the Upper East Side (and some parts of Brooklyn). Why couldn't the two sluttiest people in New York bring themselves to sleep with each other? It just can't happen. It's hopeless to even try. Once they stopped laughing, Serena suggested that they order some food from room service instead. That's how they spent the rest of the afternoon.

Needless to say, Blair and Dan never came.

_Spin, spin, smile, spin, spin, spin, wave, spin, spin, spin, pose, spin, spin, spin._

Serena sits outside on the balcony with a bottle of rum one night. She looks up at the stars and wonders how they can be so beautiful. She doesn't feel empty when she looks up at the stars. They give her a small piece of hope. It seems like pure people can never fully appreciate the beauty of the stars. It's the tainted people who stare up at the stars and marvel how lovely they are compared to the wretched earth down below. The stars don't judge. They shine just as brightly over everybody.

When Serena looks at the stars, she feels like happiness is just around the corner. Dan, Blair, Nate, and Eric will come home. Blair will make up with her. Dan and her will get back together and eventually get married. Maybe Blair and Chuck will get married too. Nate will be happy and will have finally figured things out. Lily will be proud of her again. Eric will be successful at whatever he plans on doing. Everybody will be together and gloriously happy.

As Serena falls asleep on the balcony that night, she has a smile on her face. She honestly believes that her future will be as bright as the stars. There is always hope; you just have to hold on to it long enough.

The End.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: <strong>Not my usual writing style. This idea popped into my head and I thought I'd run with it. I hope this never happens on the show, but it's interesting to think about Serena's downward spiral. Oh yeah, for the Chuck and Serena thing: I really don't want them to ever be a couple, but if the writers make Blair and Dan an actual couple (oh god please no), I wouldn't mind Chuck and Serena getting together. I like neither, but if I had to choose, I would pick Chuck/Serena over Blair/Dan. That's just me. It's pretty obvious after reading this which couples I support. Hey! I know you're reading this! Don't walk away! Review!

**Disclaimer: **I don't need to add this, because I actually own Gossip Girl. Oh wait, was that just a dream? I guess I don't own Gossip Girl after all…


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